I think they were just the “icing on the cake”.
It all began on Thursday. The weatherman predicted we would be getting thunderstorms and possible hail. Myself and probably any other Fibromite in the area would have been able to predict it before he did. The guys at work were looking at their smart phones watching the front move in. Someone asked “We are going to get storms?”. I looked at him and said “Did you not see what I looked like when I came into work today?”
I arrived at work and while still sitting in the parking lot. I texted my boss and said I would be in at 8:30. Sometimes, it makes all the difference in the world if I set my alarm on my phone and lay back and take a 1/2 hour nap before going inside. I tried to lay down but the back pain was too great. I went in the building and walked straight to the break room. I grabbed the huge clay ice pack and sat down at the table. I leaned up against the chair with the ice pack laying down starting at the neck straight down my spine. I was wearing my dark shades. I began to cry. I couldn’t stop. The pain was so bad.
One of my co-workers was walking through “that kind of day huh?” ~ yes.
He came over and offered his hand.
He held it for a few minutes – comforting – he is younger than me but it felt as though I was holding my Dad’s hand.
He said “you will get through this, you are strong, I don’t know anyone that can do what you do”.
He went back to work and I stayed in the breakroom until 8:30. Donned in my dark shades I punched in at work like any other day.
I knew that I was cancelling my trip to Illinois again. It upsets me so much that I have to keep cancelling the trip to visit my family due to pain.
I cancelled my vacation day for Friday ~ knowing how short-staffed we were going to be that day. I decided I would get up as usual take our Daughter to school and go swimming before work.
I did take her to school but I didn’t have the energy to go to the pool. WRONG CHOICE!!! That is when I should go. I didn’t push myself like I should and must do. I went home, took a long hot bath, laid on the couch (playing with Bet the Border Collie) until 10:30.
All day long I was asked by others are you ok? yep. Just in pain.
I was asked what I can do about it. I was so embarrassed to say the answer. I take a daily Pro-biotic, watch what I eat, take antacids if needed. I knew what had to happen to alleviate the pain. Typing it is just as hard as saying out loud. I would need to “belch” to the point of throwing up. All I would be throwing up is air.
Once again, the next day I planned on going swimming. I set the alarm and woke up a half hour after swimming class had started. After dropping our daughter off I went grocery shopping for just a few items. There were a lot of people shopping at that time. Going around the corner in the frozen food aisle a cart came from the other side. I said “excuse me”. The lady commented “Oh, you are ok”.
Now, I know she meant about where I was with my shopping cart but I had been hurting so much during this short shopping trip that I took it literally.
I thought to myself. No, I am not ok!! I wanted to scream ~ . Can’t you see I am in excruciating pain with every step I take?!
I finished up shopping and got in a very long check out line. Every second I stood there I was holding back the tears. I put my dark shades on so I could hide the tears. It felt like the longest line I have ever stood in.
I kept hearing the woman’s voice. “You are ok”. More Screaming ~ No, I am not – I hurt so much.
As crossing to the parking lot a truck stopped to let me go. I thought how impatient he looked. I was walking so slow. I am my own worst enemy. I imagined him looking at me and thinking “hurry up lady – whats wrong with you – why are you walking so slow?”
The minute I got in the car the uncontrollable sobs started and didn’t stop until after I had been home awhile.
You are ok.
Well, if truth be told if you didn’t know that I had Fibromyalgia and it’s 12 evil sidekicks you would think that I was ok.
You can’t see that while I am standing in line I have a sharp pain that is shooting down my spine from my neck to my lower back. You can’t see the trigger points that are pushing on my sciatic and right hip. You might think it is strange to see me wearing shorts and a tank top in the temperatures we are experiencing.
There are cues if you know me you probably know them already. On my not ok days, I will have my tinted glasses on, will be wearing no sleeve tops, flat shoes, have a chai tea, diet 7 up or diet root beer on my desk. I will have an ice pack strapped to my chair, the sunlamp on, and will be walking very carefully.
I am ok ~ most days. Ok for me means that I am having a low pain day, I am not falling asleep while driving or sitting at my chair and not a bawling mess.
It is so hard. I fight daily to not only look okay but be okay.
Today, I went swimming, worked a full day, came home and ran our puppy on agility jumps.