Isn’t it enough just to accept change?
I have really tried. Yes, it has always been difficult for me to accept change.
I honestly thought that I had accepted the changes that I have made and would have to make having Fibromyalgia and the evil sidekicks. Once I accepted my multiple illness diagnosis I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to keep living my life.
Prior to October ~ despite the fact that I had lost as many family members as I had I was still going strong. My flares would occur usually once a month and last for just a few days. I had found a way to keep it manageable. I was swimming 3x a week, going to an acupuncturist and Chiropractor once a month, taking my medications on time, keeping good sleep habits, and keeping most days a very positive attitude.
Everything changed in late October when my Grandma began to show the signs of her illness.
I was blessed to be able to spend so much time with her as the illness progressed. I left my family and work to be by her side. I stopped doing everything that I knew I should be doing for my health. I barely slept and when I did it was in a recliner. I ate wrong, stopped exercising, did physical tasks I wasn’t supposed to do and forgot to order my medications. My depression has reached an all time low. I gained 15lbs, constantly breaking down and falling apart. I simply didn’t care about taking care of myself anymore.
I realized holding my Grandmother’s hand that I was still scared about my future. I couldn’t see myself going through this without her. She had been my rock for 20 years. She knew all of my fears. Every time life would get rough she and I planned on running away together. I gave up on myself. I only cared about her.
It didn’t matter how much I cared. I still lost the battle.
A short 6 weeks and she was gone. My life did not just change forever on November 15th.
I allowed my life to stop that day.
Ok, I know that this is life and that we are all growing older and death is inevitable.
But it still sucks.
I was taught by two women in my family by example to be strong, not show weakness, take care of others first and then maybe yourself. I have been strong for my family, friends and fibro group. I have hidden my fears of my possible future not just from others but from myself as well. My biggest fear; change.
My Grandmother lived almost 100 years. She had lived thru an era in history that experienced the most change than any other era. She didn’t have the easiest of lives. She had to go from being a farm girl to a city girl. Her family lost their home in the depression. She lost her mother and father both at young ages. She helped raise her younger sister. Her husband passed away suddenly in 1989.
Despite all of the adversities and change she had a wonderful happy long life. She not only accepted change~she Embraced it.
It took quite some time and a lot of pushing from my family but it has been about 3 weeks since I have gotten back on the right track. I have returned to the pool, kept my acupuncture and chiropractor appointments and decided to see a Psychologist. I continue to have high levels of physical and emotional pain. Let’s face it ~ I am a mess.
I received a check a few weeks ago. She left a small inheritance to each of her Grandchildren.
I didn’t want to cash it. I couldn’t. It was too final.
This past Tuesday was Cleo’s Birthday(my neighbor who gave in to Fibro and passed away on May 5th).
I must be a gluten for emotional abuse because I decided this was the day to cash my Grandmother’s check. I wanted to buy myself something with my Grandma’s money on Cleo’s birthday as a reminder of both women.
I had a very difficult meeting to go to first. I left realizing that my depression at home was affecting our daughter. A 13-year old who usually has to be told to calm down because of her excitement has become negative and it reflects in her attitude.
I sat in my car crying for such a long time and then decided to go to Hallmark.
I entered the store and don’t really remember seeing anything they had on display. I remember being asked if I could be helped and found myself smiling when I answered, “No, I’m fine, Thanks”. I’m fine – ha. I felt anything but fine.
I continued to wander up and down the aisles quickly gazing up and down at the shelves. I abruptly stopped. On the bottom shelf was a metal wall hanging. It was a large butterfly painted in shades of purple, pink, brown, & yellow. I thought a butterfly would be nice. After all, it is the symbol of Fibromyalgia.
I decided to keep looking and see if I saw anything else that would speak to me.
I guess I was hoping that the clouds would part and while Alleluia music was playing a bright sunbeam would shine down on just the right item.
On my second trip around the store I found myself right back in front of the butterfly. This time I picked it up and looked at it.
There it was. There was no music or bright sun beam.
But I think my Grandmother took her fingers and flicked the top of my head. (She never did this to me but she did to her Sister and my Dad).
Across the wing in glitter paint was painted two words.
I stared at it as I blinked the tears that were forming in my eyes.
I spoke out loud, “Ok, Grandma, I get it”.
I chose the name Fibro~Warrior Living Life not Fibro Warrior ~ Stop living.
I am a Fibro Warrior ~ Living Life!