I am not strong today.

I am writing an article in hopes that it makes the “cut” for a magazine on Fibro Awareness.  I re-write, re-read, etc.. I find myself this morning crying so hard.  Why?  Is it the tired, painful state I am in today? Is it the thought of others who have so far to get where I am.  I know what I have, I have done my fight for doctors and family know what I have is real. Is it because I am tired of everyday fighting with my own body and mind to get up out of bed every morning?  I have thought that I had accepted it, the reality, I am strong da@# it!  I have a facebook page, blog, support group. I am strong and I try to help others.   SO why the uncontrollable tears that can’t stop.  Because I am not strong today.  Today, it has been almost a week of a flare.  I am not strong today.  Thru these tears I will find strength. I will continue to spend hours at the computer finding strength in helping others.  Knowledge is power.  Tomorrow is another day.  Any other cliche’ to get me to stop crying and “see the silver lining”.  For the Sun will come up tomorrow..

A balancing act & circuit overload

Life has always been a balancing act between responsibilities at home and work.  The months of November & December have always been exceptionally absolutely dreadful.

In addition to my workplace holding it’s physical and fiscal inventory I still have my to do’s at home, being a girl scout leader, mom & wife.  Then as if intense work hours wasn’t enough add the stress of Thanksgiving & Christmas (grocery shopping, decorating the house, Christmas cards, presents, family drama and for several years this included traveling with a baby and 2 dogs).

The two weeks before Christmas and up to New Year’s usually means 10+ hours daily of mentally draining work, this means very long stressful days.

I had all of these responsibilities long before my body decided to take on Fibro and it’s evil sidekicks.

Since Fibro decided to kick in full bore it has been so much more hard to get through those two months.  For starters I always would have all my Christmas shopping done before December 1st.  Now, even though I do all my shopping online I still don’t have my shopping done until days before we travel home.

The severe exhaustion, stress and anxiety will guarantee not only when I will have a severe pain flare up but that it will bring  heavy fog when it arrives.

Fibro Fog can affect word use & recall, short-term memory problems, directional disorientation, multitasking difficulties, confusion, trouble concentrating & Math/number difficulties.

The ideal condition for someone that is responsible for receiving, invoicing, accounts receivables, reports, and major multitasking.

There is only so much a healthy person’s brain can handle ~ consider the Fibromites brain that faces chronic pain, depression, fatigue, and stress contributing to our loss of clarity.

My Mom told me that we have to purge our “Computer” (Brain) so that we can fit new information.  It sure would be nice if it allowed us what memories to delete.

“An overloaded circuit is an electric circuit that is carrying more current than it is designed to handle, creating a danger of fire through overheating.

This often occurs when too many appliances are connected to a circuit at one time.”

Last week I dropped all my balls in the air and had a circuit overload.  It began to show in small ways.  I had gone to print our Christmas cards (spelled Christmas wrong).  I went to the grocery store to pick up things for work, arrived at work went into the building and realized that I left the groceries in my car. Nope, I had left the groceries at the grocery store.  I had received a text message from my neighbor.  He said that they must be extra special because they had received 2 Christmas cards.  Before I continue writing this – if you would usually get a card from us and did not ~ accept my apologies.

After one very long high mental day – I got in my car and cried non-stop for 20 minutes.  It was just too much.  I had fried my brain.

There is a very long list of things that I either did wrong, did twice or flat out forgot about doing it.  Christmas has passed and I just realized that I have to meet 3 people still for our Christmas celebrations and I have not finished their gifts or wrapped them – let alone schedule the get-togethers.

Looking back at it I know many things that I should/could have done to help me during the past few weeks.

1.  Take breaks. Even when there feels like there isn’t enough time – your body needs it. sleep, ribose supplements, exercise, routine, make lists.

2.  Follow a daily routine, be sure to take your meds on time.

3.  Pick the best time of day to accomplish complicated tasks.  Break down tasks into manageable tasks.

4.  Keep a reminder list and use post it notes.

5.  Avoid situations where you may become over stimulated by noise, and light. (use your sunlight)

6.  Learn how to control stress. (deep breathing)

7.  Again, take breaks;  when you are getting “foggy” take a time out, meditate/exercise – take time to regain some energy.

I know that doing the above things would have made getting through it a bit easier.  If I hadn’t been so foggy I might have remembered them.. LOL!

NOTE TO SELF:  Type the above reminders and place at desk.