Happy New Year?

It is only November and people are already talking about New Years resolutions.
My co-workers said I bet you are looking forward to next year.
I have to admit for a brief second I thought to myself in a very negative tone.
“How can I be looking forward to next year ~ facing the unknown?”  
“What if it doesn’t get better?”
“What if it gets worse?”
While I was sitting beside my Grandmother the last 4 days of her life I had plenty of time to think.
The week before she had been bedridden unable to walk.   Her body had been overtaken by Kidney Cancer.  She needed help to drink, eat, take her medication, and even to move.
I thought of my dear neighbor Cleo.  She lost her battle this year.  In her last few weeks of life she wasn’t able to even out of her chair and walk.  She allowed Fibro and all of its evil sidekicks to not only take over her life but take her life.
This could be in my future if I don’t keep fighting.
I thought about my life as Pre-Fibro and Post-Fibro or “in my previous life” which is before my symptoms went full speed ahead.
In my previous life I was a planner. Rephrase that – I was a committed planner. I would plan on going shopping or scrap booking with my friend, activities with my family, grocery shopping, trips to see my family, etc. and would really do it.
In this stage of my life I soft plan things. I change plans and back out of them way too many times.
I was focused.
Was being the operative word. My thoughts jump from one to another ~ provided I can remember my thoughts.
I worked hard.  Not just at my job but at everything that I did.  Now, I rest in-between working.
I have been in a very low place as of late.
I have a justified reason for being sad. Our family lost so many important people this year.
The most difficult being my Grandmother.
Sadness is to be expected.
However, I can’t seem to find my way out. I have been told that this is life.
That no one lives forever. That I have to “get over it”.
My internal reply; well Life sucks.
I found myself crying the other day that I wish this was all over.
The emotional hurt and physical pain have been to great.
“How can I live to the age of 92 in this kind of pain?”
While writing our families Christmas letter I found myself struggling to find the good  in 2013.
I have worked so hard the past 3 years to focus on the positive.
It is what my Facebook page, support group and my blog have been based.
We as Fibromites need to face the future ready for battle. We have to be Warriors.
A Warrior is defined as “One who is engaged aggressively or energetically in an activity, cause or conflict”.
Sometimes we don’t have the strength to be a Warrior by ourselves.
We then need to have others help us fight our battles with and for us.
As the new year arrives all of my friends are posting their year in review. 
I have decided to not look back with negativity. 
I have chosen to remember the past with fond memories and forward with hope.
I have made wonderful friends because I have Fibro.  My friend Celeste told me to “write a doable affirmation and commit it to memory.”
An affirmation is an intention to a goal.  It should be positive, present tense and doable.  You have to believe it is possible and be committed to reach the goal.
While researching affirmations I found the following;
“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within.  It is there all the time.” ~ Anna Freud
It took some time; but I finally came up with what I wanted to be my affirmation.
i can do
 “I am committed to eat healthy, keep moving and rest when needed.”
“I am committed to being positive and in control of my own life.”

warriorI am a Fibro Warrior ~ Living Life

Phrases I hate!

I have always been a rather independent femalepouty girl.

Okay, that is a nice way of saying that I am stubborn.

The phrase ~I can do it myself!” has left my mouth on more than one occasion.

I have always offered help to others and reminded them again and again to ask for help if they need it.

I have accepted the fact that every day will be different.

I will not know the level of pain or energy that I will have day to day let alone hour by hour.

The other day at home I was in a flare.

Sitting in my chair watching TV and instead of getting up for a glass of water,

“Would you get me a glass of water?”waiter

Later, I heard myself again asking

“Could you get me an ice-pack?”

After the third time I thought how much I hated hearing myself ask those questions.

       “Can you help me a minute?” 

Will you do me a favor?” “Would you get me…?”

At work recently, I noticed that I had asked someone to slow down when giving me credit card numbers.

My brain doesn’t process things as fast as it once did.

In order to file in my bottom file drawers at work I need to sit on the ground.  It hurts too much to bend over for the amount of time it takes.  So, when I sit down on the floor I need to be sure I have a hard chair next to me or else, I need to ask someone for an arm.

It bothers me enough that I have to wait until I see someone free and ask for the help but I also need to teach them how to do it.  The arm needs to be extended out and held stiff so that I can lay my arm on top of it and use it to push myself up.

How does one learn to ask for help?

We start out as infants needing someone to do everything for us.  Almost immediately they begin teaching us to be independent.  I remember how proud I was when my Daughter could feed herself, take her first steps, tie her own shoes.  I have been told that parents love it when their children can drive and take themselves places.  I can’t imagine I will ever be happy about that I love our time spent going from place to place we have the best conversations.

It doesn’t take long for the phrase to come out of a childs mouth “I can do it”.  Teen years arrive and there is no way we want anyone to see us with our parents helping us.  We want to do everything by ourselves.

“You can do anything, but not everything.”  —David Allen

I have worked at nursing homes and have had plenty of aging relatives to know what happens.  As we age, we revert back to the start of our lives.  After spending our entire lives to be independent, we have to swallow our pride and allow others,  sometimes complete strangers do things for us as personal as getting dressed, eating and using the bathroom.

“The strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it.”- Rona Barrett, columnist and businesswoman.

I think it is something that we take for granted that we won’t reach that stage in our lives until we had reached a “certain age”.

We don’t think that at 40, 30, 20 years of age we will be needing to ask someone to help them get us out of a chair, lift something from the shelf at the grocery store, help position us (with heathing pads, ice packs, pillows) correctly to go to sleep, helps us remember to take our medication and the list goes on and on…..

“Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent.
It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.”-Anne Wilson Schaef

I think this quote really explains it.  We have to be honest with ourselves.  It takes strength to ask for help.  We can’t do this alone.  It really does ultimitately come down to our own inner strength but we also have to be strong enough to know when we need to ask for help emotionally and physically.

I am a Fibro Warrior ~ Living Life!