Tah dah

Tah dah

Drum roll please…….the flare up has returned in its fullest glory. It began five days ago. No sleep, pain, nerves on fire.
The fog decided to roll in a few days after the flare started. It is always interesting to see what symptoms are going to occur and at what level they will be during each new flare. I like things to be scheduled and predictable. Fibromyalgia is no way predictable or on a schedule. This one came in with the typical pain, no sleep, trigger points hard as rocks, arms on fire and then the fog. I went shopping for a new swim suit top. So I tried on a bottom (over my panties) to see how they would look. I tried on all of them getting more discouraged after each one. I left the dressing room deciding against all of the swim suit tops and went looking for my family that were shopping somewhere in the store. I walked around for a good 5 minutes looking for them. Something felt different about the dress that I was wearing. Finally, I stopped and thought. I went back to the dressing room and took off the swimsuit bottom that I had left on. I almost had left the store with the swimsuit bottoms still on. What would have happened? Would I have made some alarm go off? How do I explain to them that I am not a thief that the “fog” has caused me to forget to take them off. Would I have gotten home and realized that I still had them on? How could I not take them back? I am not a thief. But, the embarrassment of losing your mind. No one can see this awful disorder – it isn’t even considered a disease. It is labeled a disorder. Walking out of a theater yesterday, I saw two women walking with their husbands. They each clearly had problems walking. One had an oxygen tank and the other a cane. They needed someone to guide them thru the crowd – to stablize their walking. I reached out to my daughter (who at 11 doesn’t always want to hold her mom’s hand, thinking I was being overprotective again), she asked why, I said so I don’t fall flat on my face. I did not look like I could not walk or that I needed stabilization. But I did. I had sat wrong for too long and my leg muscles did not want to walk. My back was in pain and my thoughts were no longer clear (I had taken my tramadol to control the pain).
The hardest thing I thought was that the condition is always changing. I hate change. The hardest thing is wondering what people are thinking when I am acting 90 or like I am dying when I don’t look sick at all. How much do you say as an explanation, do you say anything at all. I continue to try to live life as normal as I can and hope that the between flare times last longer or they come and go much quieter in the future.
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